Cinnamon Bone Crunch

A couple hours ago, you could have asked me what my favorite cereal in the whole world was and I would have replied, 'Cinnamon Toast Crunch!', without hesitation. Now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to stomach it again.

Here's the deal. I was a little over halfway done with my morning bowl, not really paying all that much attention, just watching TV, the normal routine, when I noticed a big chunk of something in my bowl that wasn't supposed to be there. At first, I thought it was a piece of wood, but upon further examination, it appeared to be a chunk of bone, but from what, I don't know. All I know is that it was not whole grain, cinnamon, or sugar, all the good things that make up Cinnamon Toast Crunch. At this point, I'm feeling sick to my stomach and I proceeded to wash my mouth out with half a bottle of Listerine.

So, I regain my composure and decide to call the number on the box to report this incident. General Mills, 1-800-328-1144 option 4, ring, ring, ring...I tell the customer service lady exactly what happened and that I found something that appears to be bone in my Toast Crunch. She must have thought I was a moron because she said that it could not possibly be bone, because bone is not an ingredient of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I'm like, no kidding? Then she tells me that it is probably just a lump of cinnamon and sugar that is all clumped together, so I say, no it's more like bone. So, she says, 'okay, we'll send you a free coupon and an envelope to mail the chunk back to them so they can see for themselves.'

Gee thanks, a coupon, whoopidy doo! Do you really think I'm going to be eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch anytime soon?

Check out the pictures...

Fuzzy Childhood Memories XII

Stool sample, anyone?

I'm sure most have heard the expression, "Kids say the darndest things." Well, kids eat the darndest things too. I remember growing up when my brother and sister were toddlers, those suckers were like vacuum cleaners. My sister's favorite meal was a stick of butter while my brother preferred mayonaise sandwiches. Luckily they grew out of that phase as well as the phase of eating inedible objects, although the paint chips might have done some permanent damage...Just kidding.

I think I remember my sister eating loose change and maybe even a nail. Probably the oddest thing she ever ingested was a decal off the 'General Lee', my brother's 'Dukes of Hazzard', toy car. My mom would always freak out and then we would have to play the waiting game. It was like a Cracker Jack box of fecal matter, my mom would have to search through some vile stuff just to make sure everything came out allright. I could tell my mom was relieved to see the 'stars and bars' of the 'General Lee' in a heaping pile of pooh. It was one of the nastiest things I think I have ever witnessed.

I guess kids are going to always put things in their mouths that they shouldn't and if you are a good parent you will probably find yourself poking turds with a stick at some point looking for those things. It seems that its just a fact of life.

What's New?

It's been quite a few months since I've been here in the blog world and I guess a few things have changed. I just moved...Got a place of my own and I guess I've been busy with all that comes with it. It seems like I see the delivery guys from Rooms to Go every other day. It would be nice if they could get an order right or ship stuff that is not broken, but I guess that's too much to ask. I'm slowing adjusting to being broke, but it's going to take some time.

In other news, it's been pretty hot around these parts, over 100 degrees here in Raleighwood. I guess it really didn't seem that bad to me, but my rearview mirror fell off because the adhesive holding in on melted. Now my mirror just dangles and annoys me. I think the heat also screwed up my windshield wipers 'cause they only seem to work when it's not raining. That is not awesome. I also have an empty protein jug in the back of my truck and it just likes to bang around. Don't know why I haven't gotten rid of it, but it's still there, a momento if you will.

I started going to a new gym since I've moved. It's okay I guess, I just found that I really don't like working out, but for some reason I still go. They have baskeball courts, which is cool although I haven't really played. It is funny to hear the trash talkin' and the fights. They had to call the cops a couple of weeks ago because some kid got offended because he couldn't handle the rock and got called a homo or something to that effect and a minor scuffle broke out. I don't know, I just show up there and stuff happens. I'm just going through the motions, you can't really call that getting in shape.

Softball season is getting ready to start. Did I tell you that I really hate softball? Yep, I really do. Growing up as a kid, I loved playing baseball. I still love baseball, although I don't like watching all that much, but I'd still love to play. I always had a dream of playing in the bigs. I even tried out for the Brewers a couple of summers ago as a last ditch effort. I guess that's where the dream kinda fizzled. At least I gave it a shot, all-be-it a long shot. Now I'm religated to the Apex city fall league, slow pitch softball...whoopty doo. Might as well be playing shuffle board, I'm sure it would be just as much fun and a lot less of risk of taking one to the ball-sack. Well, if you want to be bored out of your mind, come out to Apex and watch a game or two, or you can just a wait a couple of years and they'll probably have a reality show about it...Oh the drama.

Other than that, I guess things haven't really changed all that much. Hopefully I'll be able to post more entries now, but I don't know, just playing it by ear.

Here are some pictures of inside the house...

Movie Review: The Ring 2

This is the funniest movie I've seen in a long time...No lie. This movie is chocked full of hilarity. I thought this was supposed to be a psycho-suspense, super scary, thriller, but it's actually a genius comedy. If you can remember back to the first 'Ring', Rachel, a reporter living in Seattle with her little boy, Aidan, discover a video tape where the people who watch it mysteriously die seven days after they watch it. Anyway, Rachel is forced to unravel the mystery of the tape in order to save Aidan. She discovers that the tape is linked to a little girl, Samara, who appears to be related to Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings', although they didn't trace her family tree back that far. Rachel (Naomi Watts) finds that Samara was adopted and to make a long, boring story short, her step mother killed her by throwing her down a well, but somehow the little girl's evil spirit is kept alive in this low quality video tape...Funny stuff, right? Well, Rachel, finally figures out how to save herself and Aidan by making a copy of the tape, yeah, it's stupid, happily ever after and all that crap, because you knew there would be a sequel.

That brings us to 'The Ring 2'. It starts off with a couple of high school kids where this guy is trying to get this girl he was with to watch this 'freaky' video with him. At this point, I'm thinking porno, but no, the video just happens to be the copy of the ring video from the first movie. Who could have guessed that? Of course this all takes place in Astoria, Washington, which just so happens to be where Rachel and Aidan moved to leave their past behind them and start a new life. Rachel is working for a local news agency in Astoria when she learns of the death of the high school student who had viewed the tape. She investigates the strange occurrence. She sneaks into the ambulance to view the dead body, to see the face of the dead student. This provides the first moment of comic relief of the the film as the audience gets to see the face, which is all jacked up, but it's funny because it looks just like Edvard Munch's 'The Scream' painting. So, at this point, Rachel realizes that Samara is back on the loose and starts freakin' out. First she obtains the tape and burns it with gasoline...The end, right? Unfortunately for everyone watching this nonsense, no. Samara ends up possessing Aidan at some kind of county fair while he goes into the restroom, presumably to drop a deuce. Once Samara's spirit is inside of Aidan, more weirdness ensues, which brings us to the funniest part of the movie...It's classic. The kid starts creepin' out these massive deer on the drive home through the woods and they start attacking the car, charging it and smashing all the windows out. The deer, which are obviously computer generated, oddly give up and leave. You just have to question, 'Why deer?', I mean, they (the film makers) could have used bears, cougars, or wolves, but I personally think Sasquatch would have been classic in this situation. The deer were funny though. Well, for me, the movie went downhill from this point on, and I lost interest. There was only one more Edvard Munch-Scream-face the rest of the way and Rachel ends up figuring everything out as usual, just like 'Scooby Doo' except not as suspenseful or as cool as Shaggy and the gang, although she is nice to look at. Now I'll admit that if the movie had cast the kid from 'Jerry McGuire' as Aidan then I would definitely watch it again and again, but I don't think I will waste time and money on anything this stupid again.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories XI

Childhood Influences
The impact of media and pop-culture on children today is far different from when I was growing up. It was all about 'The Dukes of Hazzard', the 'A-team', and Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' Album. 'Knight Rider' and 'The Incredible Hulk' were staples of a kid's TV watching diet. The huge satellite dish in the back yard picked up all kinds of signals, scrambled or unscrambled, that were things that kids really shouldn't be watching. We had fake, candy cigarettes and cap guns that looked real. We had yard darts, which was sort of like natural selection of the 1980s. We rode bikes and skateboards with no helmets or pads, in cars with no seatbelts, or in the back of pickups. We were living on the edge, rebels without a clue. It's not that parents cared less about kids back then than they do now, I don't know, things were just different. How many kids today wear clothes that their mother made? I know I wore my share of homemade 'jamz', the short-pants of choice back in the day. Man, we were a bunch of retards, but life was good. As a kid, you're bombarded with all these things, but ultimately it's the parents who are the most influential.

The Collected Wit and Wisdom of Julius Hodge

A collection of quotes from NC State's very own Julius Hodge...
http://www4.ncsu.edu/~jphollow/julius.html

Bracket Busted

Boy, my predictions for the tournament were terrible, probably one of my worst brackets ever. It would be nice to have my $6 back that I spent on tournament pools because a number 2 combo at Taco Bell sounds pretty good about now, only I'm short of cash. There is always next year, I guess. After the first weekend of games and seeing most of the teams play, I can take a shot at the teams that will make it to the Final 4, based on how they have played in the first two games. I'm sticking with Illinois in the Chicago region. Louisville has really impressed out of the Albuquerque region. Of course, in the Syracuse region, the Tar Heels appear to be playing the best, and finally, the Austin region, probably the toughest call, but I really feel that Utah has a great shot to make it. Illinois over UNC for the championship is my prediction. So, these four teams should feel really nervous, because I'm wrong most of the time. That's why they play the games and that's why I watch, because no one really knows what is going to happen, it's great.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories X

Pissing Contest

From previous 'Fuzzy Childhood Memories' posts, you'll recall how I spent a lot of time at my grandparents' house along with my brother and two cousins. I just now remember having actual pissing contests along the banks of the creek that ran through the backyard. We would always see who could pee, not the farthest, but the highest. My cousin could pee probably over 6 or 7 feet high, nobody that I knew could top that. Maybe it was the huge wart on his penis, I don't know. So, I guess it really wasn't a contest, but just something to do for amusement...Amusement that is until the accident. I don't know how it happened, I just remember the trauma that ensued. The details are sketchy at best, I just remember walking around the corner of my grandpa's shed when all of the sudden I was drilled in the face with my cousin's urine stream...It was horrible. My favorite baseball cap was ruined and I proceeded to run to the house and immediately wash my face off with as much soap as possible. I was actually washing my own mouth out with soap, oh the irony. My mom didn't believe that my cousin could have possibly urinated in my face, despite my proclamations. She was finally convinced when I showed her my yellow baseball cap with a vivid pee stain across the bill. She was obviously stunned, but her laughter didn't help the way I was feeling, I was extremely 'pissed' off, or on, whichever way you want to look at it, I was not happy. So, I guess that's where the story ends, no more pissing contests for me. I would advise against them if at all possible.

Snot Bubble Stories

How many people out there have heard stories from your friends that are so wrong, but it still made snot-bubbles shoot straight out your nose? I know I have. It's the kind of stories that make you feel bad that you actually laugh at them, but you just can't help it. I guess politically incorrect stuff has always struck my funny bone. All it took was one look at my best friend while watching a video about starving kids in Africa and we both would lose it. Not because it was funny, I really can't explain why. Of course we would get in trouble for stuff like that...It was the 'gifted' class and for some reason, we would always bust out laughing at the wrong time. My friend was always the one who got into trouble even though we were both to blame. The teacher was African-American and I guess because my friend was also African-American that he expected a little bit more from him and thus he received the brunt of the censures.

I guess you'll run across something every now and then that will make you cry because you laugh so hard. It's like watching 'Sponge Bob' for the first time ever with a drunken friend and it's 3:00 AM. Other things that I've seen at 3:00 AM with the same drunken friend include the Discovery Channel showing clips of Gorillas eating their own feces as well as the ultimate in gut splitting entertainment, the penis-gourd tribe of Papua New Guinea. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at anything in my life. These mugs attach gourds to their penises and chase wild boars with spears through the rain forest. I don't know of anyone who could watch that with a straight face, you'd have to be a robot or something. Penis gourd tribesman, not a bad idea for a Halloween costume, I'll have to keep that in mind.


Penis Gourd Dude

Whether it's a story of a retarded kid with a huge penis hanging out of his biker shorts or that same retarded kid being sloshed around in a port-a-john, you know it's wrong, but you have to chuckle. There are so many things in this world that are not funny, but when you happen to laugh at those things, you question what's wrong with yourself. I know I have and I still haven't figured it out, but that might take billions in research. I'm open to donations, so feel free.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories IX

Crash Test Brother



Back in the day, I spent a lot of time at my grandparents' home with my brother and two cousins. I don't know how my grandma put up with all of us for so many years, but somehow she managed. My grandparents had a huge backyard with a creek and a vast amount of wooded area. This was our playground. There was a trampoline and a cement basketball court and just wide open spaces to roam around and do whatever. We were hopped up on an abundant supply of Pepsi and other things parents don't let their kids have today. It was the 80's and parents weren't as over-protective as they are today. I mean, we rode home from school everyday in the back of a pick-up and rode bikes with no helmets. When was the last time you saw a kid doing such things? I think we were the last ones...Fortunately for us we got to do cool stuff.

There was so much for us to get into and it opened the door up for us to do a lot of really stupid things. For instance, we dug out a 'huge' hole in the backyard near the woods. It was probably about 3 feet in diameter and 5 or 6 feet deep. We covered it with sticks and leaves hoping we could get the neighbor's grandkid to 'accidentally' fall in. This kid was so skittish, that if you waved a popsicle stick at him he would freak out, so we couldn't wait to see what he would do if he fell in this hole filled with mud and muck. Well, we tried to coax him towards the hole, but no dice, he was a little apprehensive. My brother who was about seven years old was getting a little impatient and I guess he really wanted to see that kid fall in the hole. The kid wasn't moving, so my brother just gave him a shove in the back as he crashed though the sticks and leaves into ankle deep mud at the bottom of this pit. Of course we were all shocked at my brother's actions, but we knew we were all to blame. The kid wasn't hurt, but his brand new 'Superman' shoes were ruined and no surprise, this upset him immensely as went crying all the way home, "My Soopaman shoes! My new Soopaman shoes!". It was funny at the time, but so wrong. Lucky we didn't get beat down for that one.

My older cousin and I were the inventors and builders of the group. My younger cousin and brother were the test pilots, but more like crash test dummies in all honesty. We would build sleds and scooters out of rusty lawnmower parts and whatever my grandpa had laying around the basement and let my brother and cousin test them out on the hills around the house. Usually they came away with nothing more than a bruise or a scratch, maybe the occasional rusty-nail-puncture-wound, but that was about it. Then the day came to take to the skies, so we decided to build a glider/parachute out of limbs, duct tape, and a huge plastic bag my grandpa used to get up leaves in the backyard. My older cousin and I were confident in the design, so confident in fact that we were going to let my brother jump off the roof with it . . . Brilliant! This was going to be awesome! Well, luckily for my brother, my grandma thought this wasn't the best of ideas, so she suggested that we simply drop the contraption off the roof with nobody in it and see what happens. This idea wasn't nearly as cool, but at least we were going to still be able to drop something off the roof, so we said what the heck and dropped the glider/parachute off the roof. Of course it crashed violently to Earth and shattered in several pieces, grandma was right as usual, good thing for my brother's sake.

You learn something new each time you do something stupid. Like, if you catch the woods on fire with gasoline while trying to kill a hive of yellow jackets, it's a good idea to have a fat kid with a board on hand so he can smother out the flames. It's also good to know that the grass in your grandparent’s backyard is not the same as the grass on the golf course and if you lower the blade on the lawnmower, it's just going to make a bare spot and not a putting green. We did a lot of stupid things back in those days, but fortunately for us, we're still here.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories VIII

These gruesome stories about mangled and ripped out testicles are making me have painful flashbacks to my first ever memory of getting hit directly in the balls. Now, I'm sure every man on Earth can hearken back to that dreadful day when time seemed to stand still, when the whole world seemed to come to an abrupt and tragic end all because his junk took a direct hit. It's probably one of the main reasons Einstein devised his atomic theory, because he himself had his 'atoms' split at one time or another. All I'm saying, is that I will never ever forget.

Okay, so here is the blow by blow of how it all went down. Recess, 1st grade, the daily kickball game, I was positioned in the outfield. The fat kid in class was up to kick and you just knew that if he got his weight behind it that the ball would go pretty far. So, there I was, the last defender and I had no idea how far this kid was going to kick the ball. If I had known, this would be a totally different 'fuzzy memory' all together.

Anyway, this kid kicks the ball and I could tell right off the bat that I was toast, I mean he really got into it. So immediately the ball gets past me, so I'm chasing with all my might, just focused on ball and tracking it down before it got to be a homerun. I finally reach the ball and as soon as I am able to grasp it, still carrying the momentum of an all out sprint, I look up and realize that I am on a collision course with the monkey bars. I tried applying the brakes, but my Zipps just wouldn't hold up as I crashed nuts first into the pole.

At that point, I think I blacked out momentarily from the pain and agony, I thought I was going to puke right before dying. After what seemed like an eternity, the pain finally subsided and the paralysis slowly faded. I don't remember crying, I think I was too stunned, but all I know is that it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me at that point in my life. Even now, after numerous shots to the groin, over the course of many years, the fear has never went away from that first time on the playground in 1st grade. Like I said, I will never forget.


Artist rendition of that faithful day on the playground in 1st grade.

What's up with British People and Testicles?

Here's another one...

LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday.

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years.

Reuters Photo

In the News...Ouch! Another Healthy Relationship.

You can't make this stuff up...

LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.

She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."

Monti, of Birkenhead, near Liverpool, pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding at an earlier hearing.

End of the World as We Know it.

I was just checking the forcast on Yahoo! Weather and apparently today will be the last day of life on Earth. Here is the actual forcast they gave for the next several days:


Today: Morning high of F with temps falling sharply to near -32770F. Winds light and variable.
Tonight: Low around F. Winds light and variable.
Tomorrow: Morning high of F with temps falling sharply to near -32770F. Winds light and variable.
Tomorrow night: Low around F. Winds light and variable.

What the 'F'? That doesn't sound too good, maybe the sun burned out or something, but I hope their forcast models are just way, way off. We'll have to wait and see.

Road Trippin'.

I'm a really laid back individual, not much gets me riled up. I don't curse...much, especially not when I'm around other people. I don't know what happens when I get behind the wheel, but I'm a different person sometimes. It's funny how the slightest thing on the roadway can lead to the f-bomb and things that I would never say in any other setting.

Sometimes I catch myself and laugh it off, I certainly don't mean the things I'm saying, but it seems to make the commute more interesting. I've found that my favorite term to call other drivers who aren't driving so good is, "Dick-wad". Don't know where it comes from, but it just comes out, it makes me laugh sometimes afterwards. I guess my reaction depends on the severity of the actions of other drivers. You might get a, "What the 'f' are you doing, Grandma?", when some old lady stops prior to merging into traffic on the interstate. And when someone won't let me merge into traffic, you'll probably get a, "Real nice, thanks a lot, Dick!", or "Bitch!", it just depends. The big one is when someone almost causes me to wreck, that's when I get testy. "Bleep....f'in'...bleep, what the f'ity f are you f'in' thinkin', you stupid f'in, dick-wad!", and so on, and so on, but you get the idea.

I know I'm not the best driver in the world, and I know I've done some really stupid things behind the wheel. I'm not above cursing myself out either. All in all, at the end of the day, I'm just thankful to make it to my destination safely and can laugh off the little things that happened along the journey. I'm not really mad at those people I cursed out along the way, they're people just like me, just trying to get to where they're going. It's like the cartoon with the sheepdog and the wolf, at the end of the day, everything is cool.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories VI

First Job - 1992
Maybe you cut the neighbor's yard for a few bucks a week. Maybe you flipped burgers at some fast-food joint. Maybe you bagged groceries at Piggly Wiggly, or maybe you just gave out BJs in the parking lot for a quick buck or two...It doesn't matter, the point is, everyone remembers their first paying job whether it was good or bad. When you're 15 or 16 years old, you'll take a the $4.25 an hour and think you're well on your way to being the next Donald Trump.

$4.25 an hour, that's what I made at my first job. That was the minimum wage in 1992. I got a gig working at a local sandwich, slash ice cream shop because the lady that owned it went to my church and my parents thought it would be good for me to get a little work experience. I wasn't that thrilled about it, but one of my friends was working there too, so it made it a little better. I don't think he was too keen on working either.

It's not like the job was hard or anything. You pretty much just ran the drive-thru, scooped some ice cream, and mopped the floors. It wasn't so bad. We got a 15 minute break and a $5 allowance to buy food. Some days you got to change the message on the sign outside or do something cool like sweep the entire parking lot. That was about as good as it got.

Most of the time I was manning the drive-thru, something that I hated to do, although I did get mad tips. Actually I only got tipped once and it was only 15 cents. I don't think I had taken an economics class up to that point, but somehow I knew that 15 cents added to my minimum wage salary was not worth the opportunity cost of having to clean out the women's bathroom. You might as well have been sending me to clean out the reactor at Chernobyl 'cause to me, it was one of the most godforsaken places on Earth. I remember the first time they sent me in there, I was thinkin' it couldn't possibly be as bad as the guys bathroom, after all, women are the fairer sex. Man, I was in for a shock. First off, this place stunk like I don't know what, kind of like someone took a dump in a can of Starkist. There were spent tampons and pads all over the floor, it looked like a war zone. I didn't want to touch that stuff even with my rubber gloves on. I pretty much just held my breath for as long as I could until I could saturate the whole place with bleach. Then I would just flush the toilet and get the heck out of there. It got to the point where that was pretty much all I did...Flush the toilet and spay some bleach and be out with the quickness. It wasn't long, however, before the boss lady called me into her office, telling me that I needed to do a better job cleaning the women's restroom. Not long after that, and this is no coincidence, I decided that I had better focus more on my studies and playing on the baseball team and that I really didn't have time for all this and a job, so I decided to quit.



It was sort of like this when I had to clean out the women's restroom...

Yes, I will always remember my first job. Although I don't list the skills I learned from that job on my resume, nor do I hearken back to those days to answer questions during an interview. I will say that the things I experienced are forever burned into my cerebral cortex whether I want them there or not.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories V

The Case of the Dented Skull - 1985
It was normal day just like any other. I was about eight or nine, my brother was five, and my sister was less than an year old. We were just being kids that day, jumping around on my parents bed, having fun. We were supposed to keeping an eye on my sister and that's what we were doing. It's no fun to just sit there and watch her, so we were trying to make her laugh, jumping around and acting crazy.

Here's where the details begin to get a little cloudy. I don't know how it happened exactly, but you know how babies' heads are really soft and the skull has yet to harden? Well, for some reason, my brother dented my sister's head like a ping pong ball, only it wasn't popping back out. She was screaming and wouldn't stop, so we began to panic.



It was obvious that something needed to be done and with me being the oldest, I took it upon myself to fix this dent in my sister's cranium the only way I knew how. The only training that I had was fixing dented ping pong balls. I knew from mashing on the sides of the ball around the dent that sometimes you could fix it, so with this knowledge, I began mashing on my sister's head around the dent trying to get it to pop out. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, her head returned to it's normal shape, much to our relief.

Not wanting to get into trouble for this, my brother and I both swore never to speak of this incident again and we kept this secret for many years until just a few years ago. We figured because my sister did not end up retarded or anything that we could finally bring this story to light. Who knows what effect that day had on my sister's mental capacity. Maybe she would be a genius today if not for our irresponsibility. We're just glad she turned out normal.

How NASCAR Saved my Life.

Old Man Winter has it out for me and my truck, the other day, it was snow, but today it's the freezing rain. Freezing rain was looking like plain old rain until I hit a bridge on Aviation Parkway, right near the airport. I was following a friend to his new town home, it was raining a little, but not bad. We had been going up to 75 mph on I-40, over bridges and overpasses without any regard for the weather, the roads appeared to be in good condition. Once we got to Aviation Parkway, everything still appeared to be fine, but that would soon change. Just before we made it to the bridge, there was a cop who was pulled over on the side of the road behind another car with it's flashers on. This caused us to slow down to around 50 mph or so, still way too fast for what was about to happen. As I was about to cross the bridge, I noticed my friend in the car ahead of me slide a little, but by that time, it was too late for me. I felt the back end of my truck start to slide out to the right, I knew I was in trouble. That's when adrenaline took over and instincts kicked in from hours of playing NASCAR video games on my computer. I was into a skid and luckily there were no cars in the lane to my right because I had to chase the rear end to keep from going around. The steering wheel was just spinning wildly and I ended up over-correcting as the back end was still out of control swinging back to the left. At this point, I'm fighting it hard until finally I made it to the other side of the bridge where the pavement wasn't icy, but wet. I'm still going sideways, so I brace for the tires to take grip and once this happened, the truck began wobbling wildly from side to side, so I wasn't in the clear yet. I just kind of held on and tried to keep the wheel straight until finally everything settled down just in time to go over another bridge. This time, I was slowed down just enough to keep from spinning out, however I was on the verge of losing it again. After all this, I decided to just try to make it back home, so I just crept along until I finally made it back in one piece. I felt like I just made it back to pits at Daytona after making it through the "big one". All I need now is four fresh tires and splash of fuel, but I think I'll just stay in for the rest of the the day and count my blessings.

Storm of the Century

How can an inch of snow cause this many problems? Does everyone become completely retarded when it snows down here? The city of Raleigh and the Triangle area were literally paralyzed by a freak snow storm. I tried to make it to work, but no matter which way I turned, there were problems...Cars strewn everywhere. School buses were turned sideways blocking all four lanes of traffic. SUVs were slamming into ditches, it was nice. Because all the routes that I could think of were blocked, I just turned around and tried to make it home, but with 80,000 miles on my tires and only rear wheel drive to propel me, I decided not to attempt to navigate a steep, icy hill about a mile away from my place. I parked in a nearby deserted parking lot and walked the rest of the way home in the freezing cold. The rest of the day I just watched the news and all the people who were stuck in traffic for up to eight hours and how kids were having to spend the night at their schools. All this for an inch of snow...That's crazy.

What were these chicks thinkin'?

From wral.com

New Job.

Today I started a new job. I work with this guy:





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No, he doesn't wear this to work, or I would not be there.

This Old Apartment.

Where is Bob Villa's ass when you need him? This old apartment is getting ridiculous. It's always nice to take a shower while standing in sewage that's backed up into your tub. That's like the third time in a year that it's happened. We suspect the Rosie O'Donnell types that live next door as the cause of the clog, but I really don't want to think about that. That's not the only problem we've had. On Christmas Eve, the hot water hose sprung a leak and soaked the carpet. The maintenance guy had to come out and fix it and the carpet dude had to set up a fan and dehumidifier and leave it running all weekend. The ceiling has leaked, with water pouring out of one of the light fixtures. It's just one thing after another. I see spiders crawling around all the time and just the other day, we caught a mouse. It had been crawling around on the counter tops, taking a dump all over the stove, real nice when you're getting ready to have breakfast. What will it be next time? Don't know how much more I can take.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories IV

Kirby Rocks Christmas (1980's)

Christmas is a time of giving and spending time with family. Our family would gather at my grandparents' home for the traditional meal and exchanging of gifts. I'm sure it was not that much different than any other family Christmas celebration, pretty basic stuff, basic unless you count Kirby. For those of you about to rock Christmas, I salute you, and yes, I mean you, Kirby. Kirby is my aunt's brother and we only saw him on rare occasions, and Christmas was one of those occasions. A guitar master, Kirby was packing a Strat nearly every place he went. He resembled a cross between Neil Young and Meatloaf, but he rocked out to Whitesnake and Poison right in the middle of Christmas. He would sit on the couch, oblivious to everyone, just stroking out licks on his guitar while we all exchanged gifts. Kirby never had any gifts to open, but he didn't care, he had the gift of music and sometimes that's all you need.


If Neil Young and Meatloaf had a kid, Kirby would be his name-o.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories III

The Chesnut Wars (Late 1980's)

This wasn't some George Lucas dreamed up battle with Yoda and Jabba the Hut, this was real. We had to defend our turf from the fat kid across the street or he might come over and bust the springs off our trampoline.

The battle lines were drawn in the back yard between two chesnut trees separated by thirty yards of open field. Having him out numbered four-to-one we wasted no time with our aggression. My older cousin began launching the first wave of chesnuts, narrowly missing their target. The response was swift, but expected as we were able to avoid the flying projectiles. The battle raged for what seemed for like an hour, neither side backing down, each taking minor hits, but remaining steadfast.

With ammo running low, our portly opponent launched a desperate final campaign, peppering our positions with fists-full of chesnuts. Though risky, this maneuver proved to be decisive as a lone stealthy chesnut made a direct hit on my left eye leaving it blackened and swollen. At this point, we knew that we had been defeated, reluctantly surrendering use of the trampoline. Thus it sits today barren of springs, a lasting relic of the Chesnut Wars.

Sold Down the River

Well, so much for poker, I suck. The state finals were tonight at Jillian's. There were like 130 people there and I would guess I finished about 120th. If I had just went out first I could have won a 'Poker for Dummies' set, but anyway. Okay, so here's how it went down. I have the low stack on the table, down to my last 2200 and the big-blind is coming to me next hand. I'm dealt a pair of tens, so I figure it's now or never...Now's my chance. I push it all in and the guy to my left goes all in as well, but everyone else folds. We flip our cards, he has an ace-ten off suited, so I'm up on the hand. The flop comes out...No help to either of us. The turn card...Still no help. The only way I lose now is if an ace comes up on the river. Bang! Ace! I'm dead. I get to go home and watch the Wolfpack blow the lead and lose to the Dookies...Life is real grand.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories II

Dixie Youth Baseball - 1986-1988
I was 10 years old and life was good. Baseball was my passion, Ozzie Smith was the man. My red Nike cleats paid homage to him, although our uniforms were yellow with brown lettering. We wore the Dixie Youth logo proudly on our right sleeve, not really knowing the implications of the 'stars 'n bars' incorporated into it, other than it was like the ones on top of the 'General Lee' in 'The Dukes of Hazzard' and everyone thought 'The Dukes of Hazzard' was cool. Heck, every car horn just about was rigged to sound like the 'General Lee'. What a bunch of rednecks.

I played shortstop for Golden Corral. They were like the Yankees of the Reidsville Dixie Youth League. Golden Corral was one of the finest dining establishments in the whole town and our team enjoyed the perks. After every Monday practice, we were treated to a free meal at the restaurant, we were on top of the world. On the really hot summer days, while other teams were lucky to have lukewarm water with a lead aftertaste, our team had and endless supply of iced down Coke and Mr. Pibb.

I remember a few of the kids on the team. There was Lil' Red, the biggest kid in the league. He would have to buy a new 'Bomb Bat' every week because he hit the ball so hard that the bats would deform on impact. There was Dinky Robertson. He was the kid who always acted cool and tough off the field, but on the field he was always getting hurt and ended up crying every game. Lets see, there was Ricthie Wright, son of a dairy farmer. One day he came to practice with a bandage on his face, apparently he had been bitten in the face by a cow. There were many more, but those are just the few that stick out.

Dixie Youth Baseball was not the Little League World Series, but we didn't care. All we knew how to do was to just have fun. You won some, you lost some. Maybe somebody's dad got mad and beat down the umpire in the parking lot. Maybe some of the parents took it a little too seriously, belittling their kid for not swinging on 0 and 2. So what if some of the kids were already chewing tobacco at the age of 10, it's all just a part of life and growing up I guess.

G-Dog's Famous Pick-up Lines and Phrases

Over the years my good friend G-Dog has said some pretty outrageous stuff, all of which while intoxicated. Here are some things he has said that vividly stand out:

1. "I sure will be glad when they burn this f**cking whore palace down!" - By 'whore palace', he meant a nightclub called Time, which used to be located at the Charlie Goodnight's complex in Raleigh. He said this while walking in the parking lot going to the car to leave. There were two girls walking right next to us...Needless to say, they did not give us their number.

2. "I'm the ugliest man in the world." - He used to use this pick-up line frequently at frat parties. Even if the girl seemed interested in him at first, after uttering those famous words, they usually had to leave for some odd reason.

3. "Don't worry, If you swallow that watch, you'll just sh*t it out in the morning." - It's hard to believe, but yes, he actually did say this to a girl at a party. Don't ask why, the normal human brain cannot comprehend such things.

4. "Bluuuuuuuh!" - Last but not least, this is what he would yell out at the top of his lungs without warning. He did this probably for three straight years before finally getting tired of it. You got used to it after a while and nowadays you kind of miss it.

Got Herpes?

Well, apparently you do. At least that's what my friend, a Valtrex sales-rep, would tell you. He'll tell you a lot of things about herpes that you really don't want to know. The details get more graphic in direct proportion to his blood-alcohol level. From what I gather, GlaxoSmithKline makes their reps watch countless hours of herpes footage, kind of like preparing for the big game on Sunday. The only thing missing is John Madden and a telestrator. This kid went on and on about things he's witnessed at clinics and conferences. All the while, your Cheetos aren't looking so tasty anymore and you just wish he sold Ritalin so that he could give himself a free sample and calm the fudge down. Click on the little sucker below to find out more about herpes from the American Social Health Association.

Lake Johnson Trail

If you live here in Raleigh and you're looking to take a short break to enjoy the great outdoors, then look no further, you've found the place. Lake Johnson is located just a few miles from the NC State campus off of Avent Ferry Road. It offers a nature trail that encircles the entire lake as well as several picnick areas. It has an abundance of nature including water fowl and the elusive college co-ed. You'll find the paved trail good for walking, biking, or jogging with several challenging hills to push your endurance. At the main office, they also offer snacks, boat rentals, and other services. If you go to Lake Johnson, there are things to be on the lookout for. Watch your step, that's not a Snicker's bar_occasionally you run into some goose or dog poop along the trail. You might not smell it until it's too late. You'll also have to watch out for creepy guy who walks around giving his cat a piggy-back ride. Yeah, he's creepy, he'll stare you down through is Coke bottle glasses. Just be aware, no need for concern. All in all, the lake is a great place to spend some time and relax.

Here are some Lake Johnson pics from last winter:

Karate Dude

Working out at the gym is all about how much weight you can lift, not about the proper form and technique. At least that's what you would observe if you went to my gym. There is this one guy, we call him 'Karate Dude' because he sounds like Mr. Miyagi passing a kidney stone the size of Ralph Macchio with each rep. He does this one exercise where he loads about 8 plates on this machine which is used to work your back_the row machine. Well, you're supposed to sit down while doing this exercise, but he stands up and it looks kind of like he's training for the lawnmower olympics. I think the whole gym turns their heads to look with each grunt. It doesn't matter what exercise he's doing, he goes above and beyond the call of duty. Karate Dude, we salute you.

Saved by a Crackhead

Now we've all been approached by crackheads, right? You know they are heading right for you and you know exactly what they want. You don't have crack, they know this, but you have the next best thing, cash. You try to avoid eye contact, but it's too late as you feel the spittle pepper the side of you face from the words, "P-p-please, man, can I_can I have f-five dollas? I j-just want to get some f-food." You're like, "There's a 'Burger King' right here, I'll buy you some food," but apparently they don't have a taste for flame broiled burgers. They say, "Why can't you just give me five dollas?" You might as well just give up at that point, you're not going to get anywhere trying to get through to someone with a one-crack-mind.

This scenario plays out all the time, but when was the last time a crackhead helped you out when you were in a jam? Well, several weeks ago, I was saved by a crackhead. I was heading downtown for poker night at Woody's Tavern, but couldn't find a parking spot. I circled several times with no luck. After a while, I noticed a car pull into a lot close by and park, so I decided to park there as well, allthough there were gates around the lot, but they were all open. There were several cars in the lot and I didn't see any signs that said you couldn't park there, so I figured it was okay.

After several hours, I returned to find that the gates had been closed and my truck was trapped inside. I was trying to figure a way out when I saw a car trying to get out through one of those swinging-arm type gates. A passenger in the car was able to get out and lift the gate just enough for the car to slide by and set the car free. I then pulled up to the gate knowing my truck was a lot higher than the car that just barely squeezed out.

It was looking grim when out of nowhere, a crackhead comes sprinting over. He had noticed what was going on from about fifty yards away. Out of breath he says, "Hang on, man, I got you." With super-crack strength, he lifts the gate over his head, knees wobbling from the exertion, the gate was now just high enough for my truck to make it through. I was free and grateful and I thanked him.

Before I pulled away, I thought I would offer him a few dollars for the help, but before I could even offer he asked right away, "You think you could give me some change?", and by change he meant five dollars. I said, "Sure," and reached in my wallet and pulled out a five which was stuck to another five. I separated the bills and handed one to him. At this point, he saw further opportunity and asked, "Man, how about just giving me that five, too? Come on! Please?" So, without hesitation, I handed over the other five. The old crackhead was satisfied and delighted, he said, "Thank you, man! I love you!", and he gave me a hug. I thanked him for his help and headed on my way home greatly relieved. One man's pursuit of crack had saved my day.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories I

Setting: pre-school, 1979, age: 3 years old. There I was, minding my own business building a tower out of wooden blocks. The tower reached epic proportions and was pushing three feet in height, when all of a sudden...Disaster...A little girl, who will remain nameless, maliciously attacked the structure, reducing it to rubble. I was enraged and gave a stern warning of swift retaliation if it were to happen again. Determined, I pressed on and rebuilt the block tower, restoring it to its original prominence. That's when history repeated itself and there was only one course of action to take...that's right, I bit her in the face. She never knocked over my blocks again. That is what pre-school was for, learning, and everyone learned a lot that day.

Tolcher

This past summer, back in July, I had the day off and decided to play golf. I went to the Raleigh Golf Association because you don't need a tee-time. Since I was by myself they paired me up with a couple of other people, one of which was Michael Tolcher. I didn't know who it was, but it turns out he's a musician and was in town that day to play a show later that night. I ended up going to the show that night not knowing what to expect, but it was really good, he puts on a great show. There were not too many people there, but he still has some teenage groupies that go to all his shows. I would describe the show as funk-rock with a little pop mixed in. Not too bad, lots of energy with a nice sound. Anyway, he seems to be a real nice guy, down to earth and a pretty good golfer, although I think I got him by a couple strokes that day.

He is doing a show with Gavin DeGraw here in Raleigh on Wednesday, January 12, at the Disco Rodeo (formerly The Ritz). If you get a chance, check it out.

San Diego Pics SEP. '04

Pacific Beach, San Diego, CA

Barry Bonds on the Jumbo Tron, Petco Park.















Petco Park, Batting Practice















\Downtown San Diego Palm Trees















Downtown San Diego.

Wolfpack.

Keeping with the 'W' theme of the previous posts, here is one regarding NC State Wolfpack hoops. High expectations have turned to struggle. Team shooting is abominable. I'm not going to say my grandma can shoot any better, but I will say she couldn' t do any worse. Tony Bethel hasn't produced, he's more like Tony Bustel. Julius Hodge has bulked up to a whopping 87 lbs. and his free-throw shooting is suffering. He continues to put up decent numbers, but still he's one of the most overrated players in the country.

The whole team lacks coordination and basic basketball skills such as dribbling, passing, and shooting as well as basic athletic ability. This seems to be a common thread for every Wolfpack team under Herb Sendek. I don't know if the trouble lies in recruiting or coaching style, but it's something. Sendek does get a lot out of his players as far as huslte and defensive effort, but it's not pretty basketball. So many wide open threes and so many bricks. Teams are just going to start packing in the zone and letting 'em fire away. Can everyone say NIT?

World Tavern Poker.

The poker craze is taking Raleigh by storm and I have to admit that I'm caught up in it a little, although I don't take it seriously. I'm just amazed at how many people do take it seriously. These dudes spend like 6-8 hours a night, 5 and 6 days a week playing in these tournaments for little more than the chance to win beer mugs and tee-shirts and accumulate points for bragging rights. You should see some of these characters. Most are college kids just out drinking and finding new ways not to study. You got your regular old drunkards who are just out drinking and a poker game breaks out, they don't have a clue. Then you got your hard-core poker guy that thinks he is the best poker player in the land and tells everyone how close he is to being invited to the 'World Series of Poker' and he keeps you updated on the monthly trip he takes to Vegas where he's high the whole time and never sleeps, but still manages to clean house at the poker table and not wreck his Harley on the way to the strip joint. I just go to get a little second-hand smoke and get out of the house for a night. The smoking has to be the worst part of poker, it's like it's mandatory or something.

Well, the Raleigh city championship is this week...Thursday, January 13th, 7:00 PM at Jillian's downtown. For more info, check out www.worldtavernpoker.com.

Wild Card.

It's playoff time! It's an exciting time of year for football, NFL that is. The college bowl season just seemed all wrong this year, there has to be a playoff. Nobody wants to see the 'Monostat Yeast Infection Bowl' between two .500 teams that can't even finish in the top eight of their conference.

At least we have the NFL. Watched the game at a friends house last night (Jets-Chargers). Brand new 55" Sony LCD HDTV w/ surround sound...sweet. Marty 'Coach of the Year' Schottenheimer...I guess the San Diego fans can go back to hatin' him. The Jets were trying to hand it to them. What was up with that roughing the passer? That was retarded. Anyway, the Jets won, I guess it doesn't really matter much to a Giants fan. Didn't get to see the Rams-Sea Hawks game, heard it was good...Sea Hawks choked, what's new?

Sitting around watching the game with your buddies drinking, you can have some pretty off-the-wall conversations and ideas. We were thinking it might be a good idea to have a cable sports network where anything goes, where the announcers can say anything including profanity. I can just picture Dick Vitale calling a game..."This is awesome, mother-f***er! With a capital 'A'!" I'm sure people will watch that.

Well, back to the Wild Card. I guess today It's Broncos-Colts and Vikings-Packers. I'm thinking the Colts and the Packers move on, Colts could run the table. Peyton is a dork, but he can play and you gotta like that.

Welcome Message.

Welcome Everyone! This is the first posting of just random thoughts and ideas. Nothing here is serious. There is no intention to provide any useful information or to offend anyone. There is no direction...Who knows where this will lead?....