Fuzzy Childhood Memories IX

Crash Test Brother



Back in the day, I spent a lot of time at my grandparents' home with my brother and two cousins. I don't know how my grandma put up with all of us for so many years, but somehow she managed. My grandparents had a huge backyard with a creek and a vast amount of wooded area. This was our playground. There was a trampoline and a cement basketball court and just wide open spaces to roam around and do whatever. We were hopped up on an abundant supply of Pepsi and other things parents don't let their kids have today. It was the 80's and parents weren't as over-protective as they are today. I mean, we rode home from school everyday in the back of a pick-up and rode bikes with no helmets. When was the last time you saw a kid doing such things? I think we were the last ones...Fortunately for us we got to do cool stuff.

There was so much for us to get into and it opened the door up for us to do a lot of really stupid things. For instance, we dug out a 'huge' hole in the backyard near the woods. It was probably about 3 feet in diameter and 5 or 6 feet deep. We covered it with sticks and leaves hoping we could get the neighbor's grandkid to 'accidentally' fall in. This kid was so skittish, that if you waved a popsicle stick at him he would freak out, so we couldn't wait to see what he would do if he fell in this hole filled with mud and muck. Well, we tried to coax him towards the hole, but no dice, he was a little apprehensive. My brother who was about seven years old was getting a little impatient and I guess he really wanted to see that kid fall in the hole. The kid wasn't moving, so my brother just gave him a shove in the back as he crashed though the sticks and leaves into ankle deep mud at the bottom of this pit. Of course we were all shocked at my brother's actions, but we knew we were all to blame. The kid wasn't hurt, but his brand new 'Superman' shoes were ruined and no surprise, this upset him immensely as went crying all the way home, "My Soopaman shoes! My new Soopaman shoes!". It was funny at the time, but so wrong. Lucky we didn't get beat down for that one.

My older cousin and I were the inventors and builders of the group. My younger cousin and brother were the test pilots, but more like crash test dummies in all honesty. We would build sleds and scooters out of rusty lawnmower parts and whatever my grandpa had laying around the basement and let my brother and cousin test them out on the hills around the house. Usually they came away with nothing more than a bruise or a scratch, maybe the occasional rusty-nail-puncture-wound, but that was about it. Then the day came to take to the skies, so we decided to build a glider/parachute out of limbs, duct tape, and a huge plastic bag my grandpa used to get up leaves in the backyard. My older cousin and I were confident in the design, so confident in fact that we were going to let my brother jump off the roof with it . . . Brilliant! This was going to be awesome! Well, luckily for my brother, my grandma thought this wasn't the best of ideas, so she suggested that we simply drop the contraption off the roof with nobody in it and see what happens. This idea wasn't nearly as cool, but at least we were going to still be able to drop something off the roof, so we said what the heck and dropped the glider/parachute off the roof. Of course it crashed violently to Earth and shattered in several pieces, grandma was right as usual, good thing for my brother's sake.

You learn something new each time you do something stupid. Like, if you catch the woods on fire with gasoline while trying to kill a hive of yellow jackets, it's a good idea to have a fat kid with a board on hand so he can smother out the flames. It's also good to know that the grass in your grandparent’s backyard is not the same as the grass on the golf course and if you lower the blade on the lawnmower, it's just going to make a bare spot and not a putting green. We did a lot of stupid things back in those days, but fortunately for us, we're still here.

Fuzzy Childhood Memories VIII

These gruesome stories about mangled and ripped out testicles are making me have painful flashbacks to my first ever memory of getting hit directly in the balls. Now, I'm sure every man on Earth can hearken back to that dreadful day when time seemed to stand still, when the whole world seemed to come to an abrupt and tragic end all because his junk took a direct hit. It's probably one of the main reasons Einstein devised his atomic theory, because he himself had his 'atoms' split at one time or another. All I'm saying, is that I will never ever forget.

Okay, so here is the blow by blow of how it all went down. Recess, 1st grade, the daily kickball game, I was positioned in the outfield. The fat kid in class was up to kick and you just knew that if he got his weight behind it that the ball would go pretty far. So, there I was, the last defender and I had no idea how far this kid was going to kick the ball. If I had known, this would be a totally different 'fuzzy memory' all together.

Anyway, this kid kicks the ball and I could tell right off the bat that I was toast, I mean he really got into it. So immediately the ball gets past me, so I'm chasing with all my might, just focused on ball and tracking it down before it got to be a homerun. I finally reach the ball and as soon as I am able to grasp it, still carrying the momentum of an all out sprint, I look up and realize that I am on a collision course with the monkey bars. I tried applying the brakes, but my Zipps just wouldn't hold up as I crashed nuts first into the pole.

At that point, I think I blacked out momentarily from the pain and agony, I thought I was going to puke right before dying. After what seemed like an eternity, the pain finally subsided and the paralysis slowly faded. I don't remember crying, I think I was too stunned, but all I know is that it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me at that point in my life. Even now, after numerous shots to the groin, over the course of many years, the fear has never went away from that first time on the playground in 1st grade. Like I said, I will never forget.


Artist rendition of that faithful day on the playground in 1st grade.

What's up with British People and Testicles?

Here's another one...

LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday.

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years.

Reuters Photo

In the News...Ouch! Another Healthy Relationship.

You can't make this stuff up...

LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.

She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."

Monti, of Birkenhead, near Liverpool, pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding at an earlier hearing.

End of the World as We Know it.

I was just checking the forcast on Yahoo! Weather and apparently today will be the last day of life on Earth. Here is the actual forcast they gave for the next several days:


Today: Morning high of F with temps falling sharply to near -32770F. Winds light and variable.
Tonight: Low around F. Winds light and variable.
Tomorrow: Morning high of F with temps falling sharply to near -32770F. Winds light and variable.
Tomorrow night: Low around F. Winds light and variable.

What the 'F'? That doesn't sound too good, maybe the sun burned out or something, but I hope their forcast models are just way, way off. We'll have to wait and see.